The Healing Journey is not Linear

There will be some who'll say that I was born into this world with the purpose of experiencing all of the traumas I did so that I could heal from them, learning lessons of strength, courage, fortitude, and more.

There will be others who will say that we create our own traumas and that if we can only adjust our thinking they wouldn't happen in the first place.

And then there will also be those who will say that s*** just happens.

I have flitted between each of these viewpoints more than once in my life, and I'm still not entirely sure where I sit on the matter. I guess it depends on which trauma or at which healing point I'm facing at the time.

What I have experienced though, is that the process of healing is most definitely not linear.

There isn't a point where we suddenly become well, released from the binds of past life or current life traumas, and function as a 'normal' human-being. I have literally never seen that, in anyone. And even in those people who don't appear to have had any major traumatic experiences in this life, were raised in harmonious, well-balanced families without dysfunctions, there are still the emotions of simply being human that can create challenges for them.

Once you know, and truly understand, that there is no such thing as a perfectly 'healed' destination, the process of working through the challenges and traumas becomes way less stressful, and forgiveness comes so much more easily. 

A friend of mine once suggested that I should write a book. Heck, even my husband has said it at times. Putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard in the modern age, is therapeutic, and you'd like to think that by getting all of the stories and the emotions attached to them out of your head, the healing journey would be quicker or more effective. And if nothing else, you're sharing stories with others that may help them to feel less alone.
Actually, I began writing that book earlier this year. It triggered all kinds of emotions to pour out, it was great! I was blubbing over stories of abuse, abandonment, and betrayal, and feeling so much better for it. But what actually happened, and what has happened on the three other occasions when I've started to write my life-story/healing story, is that I have taken what you might call a step back. My mood would fall, I would start to become absorbed by the emotions again and I'd lose interest in writing because I have to deal with what is coming up for me.
And I love to work through that. I'm not saying it's easy, but when I reach the point of diving into my shadow self, exploring my emotions, I do feel as though it is my life's purpose to do the work for myself and to nurture compassion for others. But when I come out the other side of that work I'm in a different place once more and the book doesn't get a look in because life is getting the best of me, and that is a very good thing.
All this deep-diving into the shadows and taking a step back to revisit emotions that are triggered from my past, could easily be seen as a step back. And once upon a time, like so many people I know, I used to punish myself for this process.

If you're not moving forward in a straight line, are you even moving forward?

The answer is, of course you are.
Even when we feel like we're taking a step backward on our healing journey, that is also a step forward. We're just changing course, adjusting to the current situation and addressing the most important aspects as they arise. As a result, I find I move through the different phases of my healing much more efficiently because I'm quicker to forgive, and have become more compassionate with myself. 

But why am I even telling you this tale?
Recently, I came out the other side of some seriously deep shadow work. Possibly, one of the hardest I've had to go through in about 10 years. My life came to a complete standstill. Work stopped, connection with other people stopped, interest in life stopped. I had just one reason for being here - my children. One is now an adult and can fend for himself, the other is so mature she is practically an adult, and so it could easily have been reasoned away that even they don't need me. However, the compassion I have for them after they lost their birth father 5 years ago, borne through my own experience of losing my mum when I was 18, meant that I could not give them another trauma like that. 
And yet, in the midst of all of this, there was the tiniest spark of awareness, from experience, that I was simply working through one of the darkest shadows I've faced and that the light would return. Because it always does. Knowing this, I surrendered, wholly. I allowed myself to disconnect from everything, stopping the work, retreating from others, and allowing myself to feel whatever it was I was feeling. And when I had truly let go, the light began to slowly return.  

I'm a pretty visual person, and the best way I can describe this journey is like the birth and growth of a tree.
We are born, all twiggy with weak roots, and as we experience life, the sunshine, the darkness, our trunk grows and we begin to sprout branches. At the same time, those above earth experiences are creating below earth roots. And those roots get stronger, but so do our branches.
Yet, a branch does not grow straight. It has many off-shoots, things we've experienced and moved away from, and people we have met, some who stay longer than others. And the tree does not grow just one branch. There are many, and I believe, each time we have made a major decision, created change in our lives, some from a young age as we go through relationships, puberty, familial changes, house moves, job moves, all of those things, a new branch is formed, with more off-shoots.

When we take those big steps, consciously or unconsciously, of our own volition or when our hand is forced, we have to retreat. We take a step back as we consider our options, our feelings, and our previous experiences. We connect with the roots that are aligned with that branch, we go within our shadow. And when we have connected enough to that root, we gain clarity, the light returns as we move forward with our new branch, our new journey.

The purpose of telling you all of this, is two-fold.
Firstly, I've had a couple of friends lately who have felt disappointed with themselves for taking a step back, feeling like they've failed on their healing journey. Though I genuinely consider them to be friends, we don't actually know each other that well. In fact, for many years I have been open about all of my experiences including the traumas, but who asks someone, 'What kind of crap have you been through then?' 
My story hasn't been told to that many folk, even my closest of friends, and in sharing just this little snippet of insight into my own healing journey I hope that they, and you, can see that whilst people may believe my life to be one of peace and calm, crystals and joyful woo, it's actually never been totally rosy, and is scattered with trauma.
And yet, I do find peace and calm, happiness and joy in my life, in spite of my past, maybe even because of it!

And secondly, I just want to remind those of you who are consciously undertaking a healing journey, that stepping back is a vital part of the healing process. In doing so, we're considering all of our emotions, our experiences, and making decisions and changes based on our whole self, and you too, can come through the other side of each dive into your shadows with more clarity and joy. But there will always be another dive to take, because life happens.

There is no straight line to being healed, and there is no ultimate destination, other than knowing you have spent your life seeking to be the best version of yourself and being compassionate with your fellow humans who are also on that same journey, whether they know it or not.

Stay strong, beautiful people.

Love, as always

#healingisnotlinear #healingjourney #learningthroughhealing